Who Needs Happy Endings (Book review: The Ruins, 2006 and film review: The Ruins, 2008)

So, there's these things called books-it's like a movie but in your head!

When I was a kid I used to read like crazy, I couldn’t get enough. It’s basically thanks to Stephen King that I love horror so much. Somewhere along the road to adulthood however, I developed the attention span of a potato and thus started watching more movies instead.

With this in mind I was seriously surprised that I finished Scott Smith’s 2006 novel ‘The Ruins’ in a mere two weeks. Let me say this, this book is aptly named because it ruined my poor brain.

The Ruins was also adapted into a film two years Later. I actually saw the movie before I read the book, but in no way did knowing what happens to the characters diminish the suspense of this terrifying read.

Seeking a more ‘off the beaten path’ experience, 6 tourists venture into the jungles of Mexico in search of some ancient Mayan ruins. They find them, but soon discover the ruins are home to a carnivorous, possibly sentient, killer vine. The locals will shoot them if they try to leave and so the story becomes an intense fight for survival atop a desolate pyramid.

Now, I know possibly what you are thinking; a plant? The antagonist is a fucking plant? But such is the way this book is written that you absolutely buy it.  The simplicity of this plot, with it’s minimal characters and one location is one of it’s advantages. Rather than trying to give any back story to the ruins and the plant, the book concentrates on the horror of survival; and what horrors they are. The book makes you confront starvation, dehydration, septicemia and more in excruciating detail.

I love the way this book is devoid of chapters and simply switches from each character’s point of view (seamlessly, I might add). The effect is a continual bombardment of emotions as well as non-stop action and suspense. Not once did I feel like I was getting a break from the onslaught of misfortune.

The Ruin’s characters are well developed. They are all slightly unlikeable but in way that makes them more human. Their story is one which sneaks up on you; not until it is told do you realise how much you had invested in Eric, Stacey, Jeff, Amy and Matias.

The tense narrative had me anxious to find out what was going to happen next. As I kept reading I felt myself getting sicker and sicker. I devoured this book and at the end I sat back feeling the ill effects of such a nihilistic story.

I felt beaten, I remember feeling the same the first time I had finished watching Martyrs (2008, directed by Pascal Laugier). I remember numbly staring at my tv until my brain finally chugged into gear to say “IT’S NOT REAL.”

The film adaption of The Ruins (2008, directed by Carter Smith) has nowhere near the power of the novel, but it has its own merits. I think I’m a bit more partial to it because of the novel, I definitely appreciate it more than the first time I watched it when it came out (nearly 10 fucking years ago-yes, you’re old.) 

A condensing of characters and therefore reshuffling of roles ensures the film is true to the majority of the story while also being a pace the movie needs to be. I will say this about the film it is well paced and never drags. 

Like the novel, the film understands its strength lies in its simplicity. The Ruins is a great addition to the survival horror sub-genre. I know survival horror was originally a gaming term but I think it can rightly stretch to films where humans are battling the elements as well as the monsters.

What I really liked about this film is that they kept the action- and gore- in the light of the sun, avoiding the trope of things only going bump in the night. ‘The Ruins’ is so bright at times you feel like you’re getting sunburnt along with the characters.

Apart from a cringe worthy and really just terrible attempt at a German accent, the cast gives watchable performances, not that fantastic but they carry the film along despite characters being less fleshed out. Reading the book has slightly skewed my judgement, because I cared so much about the book’s characters I knew I was projecting them onto the film’s ones

If could compare both the book and film versions of this story to another book and film adaption it would be The Beach, written by Alex Garland and it’s 2000 film adaption (directed by, Danny Boyle) starring Leonardo DiCaprio. The beginning premise is exactly the same and both stories deal with being sufficiently out of your element. 

Not kink shaming, no wait yes I am

The Ruins however had a lot more body horror, I loved the scenes involving it, especially the one where the vine is whispering “I want to cut it” (oh yeah sorry, did I mention the plant can talk?). I did however notice a definite switch to a male gaze in the scene in alluding to, which I know is hard to avoid in horror. I do question though, why do we need to have a woman walking around in her underwear? She’s clearly meant to be attractive, despite the self-mutilation (wait what?) so there can’t even be the excuse that it was just coincidental. Why couldn’t they have chosen a male actor to do this? To bring this question extra validity I’ll have to add a SPOILER that in the book it is a male character that goes through this. Which means they purposely changed it. The scene has no other difference so I have to assume it was played for using women’s bodies in an exploitative effort to either shock or titillate.

In the end I still think The Ruins is a neat little movie that I can’t really fault too much. It takes killer vines and a fight for survival to the only places they can really go. It does so effectively and to the point. I’d recommend this film as a good popcorn flick with friends or as something to put on when you don’t want to think too hard about what you’re watching. It’s nothing Oscar worthy but it’s fun.

I’m giving the film adaption of The Ruins a 6.5 /10

I really urge you guys to pick up the novel from somewhere. Who knows, you might find it brings the awesomeness of reading back to you too. Whether you love to read or haven’t in a while, The Ruins is an amazing book to experience. I give the novel The Ruins it a 10 out of 10.

Never been so glad not to have made it big in Hollywood (Everlasting 2016)

Reaching fame may not be everlasting, but the scars you get along the way are.

Valentina de Angelis as Jessie 

As consumers we need to be aware of the context in which what we consume is being made. Not only does this help us analyse and appreciate the things we love more but it also holds the creators and people involved accountable. Did that 8-page editorial in that fashion magazine come at the price of the model’s safety? Is this new film you’re dying to see enabling predators to slip by without consequences for their behaviour?

Of course, I’m talking about the unearthing of Hollywood’s dark underground which has importantly been going on lately. Although topical, this theme is not a new one. Thriller/horror films (such as ‘Starry Eyes’ and ‘The Neon Demon') have been alluding to it for years.

Everlasting (2016, directed by Anthony Stabley) is an indie film that recognises the exploitation of women for the modelling and entertainment industry is a horror movie in and of itself.

Adam David rocks the guyliner as Matt

The focus of main character Matt’s high school senior film project is his journey to Hollywood to find out what happened to his girlfriend Jessie. The film follows Jessie’s journey to seek fame and fortune in Hollywood as well as Matt’s effort to find the maker of the snuff film Jessie finally got her starring role in. 

A lot of time is spent on us getting to know the teenagers, with their goth inspired fashion and penchant for pushing the boundaries.They think they have it all worked out when in reality it is quickly shown just how naive they are. Watching this tragedy unfold is heart-breaking.

Everlasting flips between the found footage of Matt’s project and regular film showing us the events behind the footage. It’s a little unconventional, takes a bit of getting used to but ultimately experimentation like this is why indie films are so dynamic; because they explore new ways of telling a story.

The film has a dreamlike quality to it; achieved by the wide shots of the locations: the deserts, the streets of L.A, etc. Also, through the constant and perfect use of lighting; the sun is nearly a supporting character which bathes the film in beauty. Everlasting's soundtrack pairs perfectly with this: melodic, haunting and also featuring songs by Crystal Castles and Cold Cave.

Special mention to Actor Pat Healey for making my skin crawl 

The not so hidden gem of this movie is the supporting cast, representing the insidious side of L.A. They all do a great job of blatantly crossing the line into abusive and ultimately getting away with it. They are the is the real antagonists; Their slick words and cameras are their weapons.

The manipulating, the advantage taking, the murder-both emotionally and literally were all terrifying thanks to solid performances.

Ultimately, I enjoyed this film despite the uncomfortable creepiness it left with me. A realistic yet somehow ethereal cautionary tale, I’m giving it a 7/10.

'Everlasting' is well worth checking out now on Amazon                                    

                          

Everlasting on Amazon from SGF on Vimeo.

I do believe in fairies! (Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark, 2010)

Don’t be afraid of exploring hybrid genres either, they don’t bite…….Well, sometimes they do.

Not being believed is an effective horror trope because it is a terrifying position to be in. However, it does hit a bit too close to home at the moment with victims of abuse finally speaking out. These women have more courage than any horror movie final girl.

In light of this, it has been a pleasure to discover ‘Don’t Be Afraid of the dark’ (2010, directed by Troy Nixey)- a movie which shows us that we can take people seriously, even if their stories seem unbelievable. It’s been a while since I’ve fallen in love with a movie enough to watch it over and over again like I have been over the last few weeks.

Sally is a young girl arriving at an old mansion her father is renovating. She feels lonely and confused over her parents’ divorce. Her presence awakens evil fairy-like creatures who have an appetite for children’s teeth and bones. I knew I was down for a film about evil tooth fairies as soon as the opening scene involved a chisel and hammer tooth extraction. 

Sally’s relationship with her father’s new girlfriend (Kim) goes refreshingly against the ‘evil step mother’ archetype. From the beginning Kim is supportive of Sally and cares for her despite being thrown into a motherhood she isn’t quite ready for. This female comradery was great to see play out; instead of the two female characters being pitted against each other like in so many other films. It’s an important and positive representation of female relationships that needs to be in more films.

The movie surprised me by having a good amount of realism and depth to the characters.  Then Child actor Bailee Madison (look for her all grown up in the upcoming sequel the ‘the strangers’) put on a fantastic performance, largely helped by the script which gave the character of Sally genuine reactions and statements a child her age would make. Her words were never forced or overly childlike. Guy Pearce’s father character takes on a minor role despite his big, Hollywood name. This film is foremost about Sally and Kim. It is occasionally refreshing to see male characters take a backseat, used mainly as a plot device.

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark is absolutely stunning to watch. The sprawling house is a setting with just enough space and ornateness to be beautiful yet entirely cold and isolating for the Characters, especially Sally. The woods near the house look amazing and it really helps pull you into the story. This film successfully whisks you away into a neo-gothic fairy tale. The score for this film perfectly matches this and is a nostalgic reminder of big fantasy films. 

Filmed in Victoria, Australia (50/50 chance it's either a winery or kangaroo hostel)

Now, I guess I should mention this film is a remake, but I for one think Guillermo del Toro and Matthew Robbins did wonders with the source material. I’ve watched some of the 1973 tv movie but it just wasn’t interesting enough to keep going with.  The main switch between the two films is that Sally is an adult in the old version instead of a child. I thought the change was a stroke of genius and really amped up the agency in the story

I loved the creature design too, they were creepy and rat-like. While they were CGI, it didn’t take away from the film. Which just goes to show that CGI is often not the problem- a weak film under this type of effects is what makes CGI a bad thing most of the time. I think the director is so be congratulated on bringing Del Toro’s screenplay to life so well. Del Toro had a big hand in this movie as he was also producer, it’s great to see that it matches his other cinematic masterpieces. You’re either a fan of Guillermo del Toro or you’re a fan of Guillermo del Toro; the man has made a name for himself by bringing fantasy to adults and helping us relive the sense of wonder we had when we were young.

I’m giving 'Don’t be afraid of the Dark' a  9/10.

Splatter never sounded so good (Suspiria,1977 and Berberian Sound Studio, 2012)

Argento you glad I finally embraced Italian horror? 

Confession: I have only just watched 'Suspiria' for the first time a few days ago. Although my childhood-self did have a terrifying relationship with the VHS cover at the video shop horror section. I’m sure this is a common experience with most horror fans as where else did you get the taste for the macabre if not Civic Video.

'Suspiria' (1977, directed by Dario Argento) was a hard movie for me to form an opinion on. When I started writing about it I found myself complaining for whole paragraphs about the English dubbing. I won’t go into it but I will say it ultimately ruined the immersion for me.

The plot of Suspiria as it is fairly well known by everyone who is a fan genre films; Susy starts at an international dance academy and discovers that beneath the prestigious image the school is harbouring some serious black magic. It’s a classic story but if I could say anything about the way the plot is delivered is that all the action and narrative seemed to be rushed through in the last half hour. Personally, I would have liked to see Susy’s suspicions and discoveries play out sooner and more evenly throughout the film, it would have been a great chance for some gaslighting and psychological torture of your main character.

There are good things about the movie. Its use of architecture for example is up there with Kubrick’s The Shining. The schools many rooms and hallways were actually breathtaking and It was as if the setting itself was an ominous and sinister character within the film. The use of colour in Suspiria- specifically red- is simply pure genius.As a companion piece I watched ‘Berberian Sound Studio’ (2012, directed by Peter Strickland) which, although it turned out not to be so much horror as a tight rope-tense drama, it certainly fits within our Giallo theme. 

Sound Engineer, Gilderoy is hired by an Italian horror director. His expertise in using various fruits and vegetables to create lifelike sound effects for violence and gore is needed in the film which is obviously meant to parallel ‘Suspiria’.

Also on the team are the voice actors dubbing their script over the film, which was a method used for many Italian horror classics. During his work he clashes with producers and the language barrier proves too isolating as Gilderoy discovers the horrors of what humans will do to each other in the name of their art. 

Toby Jones is fantastic in the lead role, he is an actor who never fails to give a genuine and impressive performance. All the supporting actors are also superb (with some especially strong female characters) and pulled off the gripping dynamic of isolation and manipulation.

The film takes on a surreal quality as it progresses and becomes brilliant in a way I can only compare to a David Lynch masterpiece. If you like your films to be less linear more experimental then it is for you. 'Berberian Sound Studio' is unique in the way that it’s plot and themes are directly reflected in the way it is filmed and more specifically how sound is used.

I really stress that you need to watch this film with full subtitles as it is in English and Italian and you need to understand what is being said without the other characters knowing. It becomes a complete mind-fuck as you are watching a film about creating sound effects while taking notice of the other sound effects in the narrative of the film. If you are wanting a lesson on becoming aware of the use of sound in film then this is the film to watch. Also, anything that pokes fun at the camp of 70s Giallo horror and the practice of dubbing is just icing on the cake.

In the end, while Suspiria is a much-loved classic I’m going to stick to my opinion that while some things are done right, overall the film is a bit of a mess. I’m perfectly happy for you to disagree vehemently with me as I give ‘Suspiria’ a 5/10.

‘Berberian Sound Studio’ is an exercise in expanding your understanding of film. I loved it and am giving it an 8/10. 

99 red balloons go by……and scare the shit out of everyone (IT, 2017)

Let’s not clown around, ‘IT’ is not about Pennywise- it’s about fear itself.

Stephen King’s IT is a book very dear to my heart; it is long, detailed, absurd, at times tedious but ultimately terrifying. It has been one of my favourites ever since reading it at about 11 or 12 years old and has spawned multiple re-reads.
That is the great thing about Stephen king books is that they are so full of substance and content that you can never remember all of it at once.  Many would argue that this is a weakness or poor writing but I look at it from a different perspective- I like it because when you re read his works you always come across something new you didn’t remember and reading become exciting again.

If I’m honest, I never watched the 90s miniseries until I was an adult and by that time could see all of its flaws in harsh daylight. Without the element of nostalgia to make it important, I just don’t like it. Upon hearing of a new IT movie being in the works, I had followed this movies production since it was first an idea/ rumour. The hype built and built to a point when on Thursday I was sitting down to watch movie I had been excited to see for over a year.

So, did IT (2017, directed by Andy Muschietti ) live up to the hype? I think so. It was well paced with never a dull moment, such a riveting experience from start to finish. IT had heart and guts, the script was a welcome release from the horror of watching children getting attacked again and again. The film managed to catch the comradery of The Losers Club, which is the heart and soul of the story and the scares and monsters were so fun to watch.

The movie different from the book in a lot of ways but that is part of its charm: that the director, writers and actors put their own personal spin on the characters, situations and scares. The change in eras from 50s or 80s was seamless to the point of me forgetting it was the adaption the film did.
I think that is why the movie did do well and elicited such a great response from audiences because this film didn’t just pick all the scariest parts from the book and mash them together haphazardly (Miniseries, I’m looking at you); instead it took the premise of the book and went from there.

I want to adopt him

To make a horror film about the characters’ greatest fears, you have to develop your characters first; then it becomes believable, then it becomes real. Take Eddie for example- the films dialogue and character development show Eddie as an anxious germaphobe who is taught (in a somewhat psychologically abusive way) by his mother to fear getting sick. If you stop and think about it you can understand then why a leper would be Eddie’s worst fear. It makes sense, we feel for the poor terrified boy whose upbringing and personality shape what ‘IT’ becomes. That is the terrifying nature of the monster. 

On a side note eddies character was one of my favourites and I loved the performance Jack Dylan Grazer did. Maybe I’m just partial to kids dropping f-bombs.

I find it poignant reading about the inclusion of the horribly uncanny woman of Stan’s worst nightmares. It had nothing to do with the book but I really liked her design and thought she was a great addition. Apparently, Andy Muschietti was scared of a similar painting as a kid and added her into the movie as personal touch; what it would become were he in Stan’s situation. I find that wonderful, that a director would take on the source material and really understand and relate to it. The movie was quite different to the book but I think that became one of it’s strengths.

You can read the article I read here:
http://horrorfreaknews.com/spoilers-artist-inspired-terrifying-manifestation/20206

On a lighter note, I thought I would write about what ‘IT’ could have possibly revealed itself as if it were targeting me when I was a child. I went with the most absurd, but also the one thing that gave me the worst nightmares. It’s a little ridiculous but children’s brains work in mysterious ways.

In 1999, I was 7 years old, also in 1999 Blink 182’s album ‘Enema of the State’ was released. The cover is pretty recognisable, it’s the sexy nurse snapping her glove.

Sexy nurse Pennywise is an image that isn't going to leave your head quickly

I’m sure she was supposed to be sexy but as a child I was just terrified of her. To my 7-year-old brain she was going to go full on American Mary on me. I had many, many nightmares of her and her scalpel; it didn’t help that I was weirdly afraid of surgery at that age. It also didn’t help that every teenage cousin in my family would have a big poster of her on their wall, which I would see whenever I was made to sleep over. I would stare at her absolutely petrified she was coming to amputate my limbs. That look in her eye was pure evil.

So that’s my thoughts on IT. The movie was so well made and acted that it is hard to find any flaws in it. I would have liked a little less CGI, but when you have a shapeshifting creature of doom it’s a little hard to convey that with only practical effects- so I’ll let it slide.

I’m giving IT (2017) a 9.5/ 10

The problem with being genre obsessed (Annabelle: Creation, 2017)

I don’t know how shit the toys must have been in the 40s for children to think porcelain dolls are fun to play with.

I’m too far down the rabbit hole for anything remotely Hollywood to give me the creeps so going in to a packed theatre when ‘Annabelle: Creation’ (2017, directed by David Sandberg) premiered I knew I wasn’t going in to jump out of my seat.
Sitting in the theatre I was surrounded by people covering their eyes and gasping at the numerous horror tropes, but what was that that feeling creeping up my neck if not fear? Was that…envy? 

Envy of the thrills the others were having.
Sometimes I wish I could swap brains with someone who doesn’t regularly watch horror or doesn’t have my exact compulsion to watch anything and everything macabre, just so I could experience being shocked and scared. 

The irony is that we who watch movies to be scared ultimately stop being scared the more we watch, this desensitization to what is scary can sometimes leave us unfulfilled. Hollywood big budget thrillers with jump scares is just not going to do the trick anymore. Whereas the average movie goer whose only experience of horror is these big screen premieres gets their fix.

So, the question is: is Annabelle: Creation scary? The answer is ‘yes’, it had a horror movie concept with decent pacing and slightly less predictable jump scares then usual. Judging by the screams and gasps of the crowd in the cinema- Annabelle: Creation was terrifying.

The next question is a little more personal: if it was scary, did it scare me? That answer is ‘no’, it did not make me jump, it did not creep me out, it did not have me on the edge of my seat and I am still not scared of dolls at all.
But is that the movies fault? I think it isn’t, I think the blame lies with me and my constant devouring of the horror genre just to satiate my morbid curiosity.

Just because a doll is ugly doesn't make it spooky

Now, let’s talk about the movie. Like the title suggests Annabelle: Creation is about how the infamous doll came to be possessed by an evil entity. A group of orphans are taken in by a couple whose house is also supposedly home to their dead daughter’s spirit via an ugly-ass doll, however shit gets real when the whole house becomes terrorised by “Annabelle.”

I would however, like to make my opinion clear: a horror movie which doesn’t scare does not mean it is automatically a bad movie. 

There are a range of things which can make a movie bad such as terrible cinematography, weak plot and underwhelming acting- none of which Annabelle: Creation had.

I found the acting of the cast to be very solid, especially seeing as half of them were children- they were believable and not over the top; what more can you ask for? The scenes of the farm house and surrounding fields were shot beautifully with warm hues and were effective in communicating the isolation if the characters.
The movie dealt out the typical horror tropes you would expect to see, along with pretty good pacing and effective use of mounting unease and surprise. I felt like these surprises were well used and not cheap or over the top. There was even a slightly self-deprecating, comical tone with a few faux jump scares which relieved the tension.

So, my options are: quit cold turkey, no more horror films and wait for big films like the ones in the Conjuring universe to be the most extreme horror films I see. Um, no, no that isn’t an option, this genre is already my life.
Or, I can keep chasing that elusive sense of fear and ferociously consume as many different movies as I can. Some will be shit, some will be predictable, some will be so ludicrous they will make me doubt if I should keep going.
Some, though, some will be magnificent, some will fill my stomach with dread, some will make me keep running my fingers through my hair which I do when I’m anxious, some will make me laugh gleefully at their extremes they will go to, some will make my mouth hang open or make me sit there for a long time afterwards no knowing how to feel.

Some films, may even scare me.

I give 'Annabelle: Creation' a 6.5/10

The body count was high, the casualties are heavy (In the Mouth of Madness, 1994)

As the fisherman’s wife said, “give me more tentacles”

Every now and then I get in a horror movie slump, where I go through my list of movies yet film after film is just…ehh.  However, I know I have to push through it because eventually I watch a film that makes my brain explode with happiness; a film so good I actually am motivated to write about it. What is this film with the ability to overpower my well-practiced procrastination skills? It is ‘In the Mouth of Madness’ (1994, directed by John Carpenter).

Insurance agent John Trent is hired by a publishing company to find the whereabouts of bestselling author Sutter Cane. Meanwhile those who have read his novels have become axe wielding maniacs. Trent along with editor, Styles travel to a small town; where things start to eerily resemble the plot of Sutter Cane's most recent novel and eventually descend into an epic Lovecraftian nightmare. That is all I’m going to say about the plot because once you get caught up in the various twists and turns its literally as exciting as reading a great fantasy novel.

This is how we did our eyeliner in the 90s

The first thing about this movie I will say is that it has been made with immense attention to detail and purposeful craftmanship. I'd expect no less from John Carpenter but it is still worth mentioning just how well ‘In the Mouth of Madness’ is filmed. All the various elements of production: writing, acting special effects, film techniques-each commendable in their own right-are brought together to create literally one of the best films I have ever seen.

The film also gets META AS FUCK which it honestly manages to pull off really well. I could sit there watching the protagonist sitting in a theatre watching the same movie I am and just totally buy it. ‘In the Mouth of Madness’ is a pleasure to watch with a beautiful warm colour palette that gets exploited in probably one of the best uses of colour in cinematography that I can think of (you will know the scene I mean when you see it.)

Sam Neill is an amazing actor and a main contender for leading actor of the horror genre (can you call that a scream king?) with equally impressive performances in Possession (1981) and Event Horizon (1997).Neill is such an expressive actor! He is perfect for “am I going insane?” roles with his ability to use his entire body to act, not to mention his amazing facial expressions.

Watching his performance in this film, I can honestly see nobody else in the part. He was also charming as hell as the chain smoking John Trent. Well, actually the character is a smug fucking asshole; but Sam Neill pulls it off so well that he is a charming, smug fucking asshole.

Did I say tentacles enough?

The practical effects in this are great; there are some awesome animatronics/ people it suits used to create some awesome and epic Lovecraftian monsters. Every movie can be made better with the addition of tentacles and there is some awesome tentacle action going on in the epic last quarter or so of the movie. Literally the only thing that could have made it better would have been MORE TENTACLES. Also, there is a creepy as hell scene which rivals The Exorcist's backwards down the stairs crawl.

I would highly recommend this little movie from maybe not the most noteworthy years of John Carpenter’s filmography. I’m going to go ahead and say it is now in my list of favourite movies ever. I give it 10/10

Also reading this in the credits made me horror nerd-out

I've had it with these motherf*cking zombies on this motherf*cking train (Train to Busan, 2016)

Too many zombies spoil the……well, everything.

As far as zombie’s go, quite often they suffer from their fundamental limitations e.g. they’re dead fucking bodies and from just being a classic monster in general. To be genuinely exciting or interesting zombie movies have to be approached in a new and interesting way. This is why I was so happy to watch ‘Train to Busan’ (2016, directed by Yeon Sang-ho) and why it was so enjoyable.

To be quite honest over-saturation is the bane of my horror watching experience. I never quite recover from revival periods of themes/ monsters, which is kind of my own fault for obsessively watching only one genre. However, when it comes to zombies this time I have something else to blame: 

The Walking Dead.
First of all if you’re an avid walking dead fan then proceed with caution because my only real talent is to rant. So here is why the walking dead sucks and ruins zombies:

• It has clunky characters who are either stereotypical, do cliché-as-fuck things or are just downright unlikable (as in mate, I do not give a shit if you die, please get on with it).           
• It takes a whole season for a major plot point to be realised, they just drag it on. The way it is done, with one action packed episode followed by one filler episode where nothing happens and everyone just talks about their shitty feelings is excruciating to sit through. This happens with a lot of long running shows which is why many shows that are actually decent only have one or few seasons.
  
  I think I sat through this shitty formula for up until season 5 or maybe it was 4 before realising this show is just the TV equivalent show a shitty Buzzfeed clickbait article; the ones where upon reading  them are so absolutely brain melting that you don’t even care about the reason you were drawn to it in the first place.

•  Every season of the walking dead is the same premise i.e. group overthrows Baddy McBadguy only to move onto the next town and oh look, another bad guy whose exploiting everyone’s desperation. Boss battles are fine in video games but they’re boring as hell to watch.

Seriously can these guys fucking get eaten by zombies already?

Ok end rant. Basically, what I am saying is this: Train to Busan achieves in its two hours what The Walking dead been trying to achieve in all its now 8 seasons. Which is to convey the idea that “humans are the real monsters” and that in a zombie apocalypse, the real bad guys are the ones who are only out for themselves.
While The Walking Dead ham-fistedly fists me in brain with this, Train to Busan does it with finesse and frankly charm.

A father, Seok-woo and young daughter, Soo-an who have become estranged since a divorce, take a train from Seoul to Busan. Meanwhile a zombie apocalypse has begun and the virus quickly begins to spread from the back of the train forward, providing a tense and high-speed fight for survival.

I loved this movie! It was above all else an immensely enjoyable mixture of horror and action. What didn’t work for snakes on a plane works perfectly for zombies on a train. 

The setting gave an added element of claustrophobia which was the perfect way to keep me on the edge of my seat. 

I really felt the terror of the characters as they moved only forward through the carriages- not only do they have to run as fast as they can away from the zombies, but they also have to wait for the train to get to Busan, essentially trapping them in a nightmare

This movie also successfully uses the moments of calm to build strong characters and set up the concept of human compassion in a time of chaos and survival. Soo-an schools her father in kindness in simple ways such as giving up her seat for others and in more direct ways by challenging him on why exactly kindness is needed. These little moments effectively foreshadow later conflicts with other passengers.

Train to Busan is full of relate-able and multi-dimensional characters who you root for the entire time and is a fresh take on a zombie apocalypse thriller. I’m giving it a 9/10.

………Also I give The Walking Dead a -9/10

Ozploitation at it's finest (Primal, 2010)

There's no place like home, (ya cunts!)

I spent the last weekend horse riding in the blue mountains. The sights were absolutely amazing; Australian bush land is a stunning mix of lush ground cover and tall white gum trees which reach endlessly upwards. it is also eerie as hell, riding through it I instantly understand the concept of ancient spirits of Aboriginal dreamtime mythology.

The perfect film I can think of which displays this perfectly and exquisitely is picnic at hanging rock (1975, Peter Weir).  Watching this story of a girl’s disappearance on a sleepy day in the bushland is like watching a dream. It is beautiful and haunting piece of stunning cinematography. Picnic at hanging rock however, is not a horror film.

Often, I think of how good the Australian bush is as a horror setting; however, Australia doesn’t churn out as many (decent) ‘cabin in the bush’ themed movies as I would like. 

While films can make foreign woods look beautiful and terrifying, there’s something about having the familiar landscape to be lost in, that hits harder for me. The whole cabin in the woods trope is a favourite of mine and having been lost in the bush before, getting turned around on hikes. I really can relate to the terror of being stranded in the middle of the bush, where everything looks exactly the same; one big twisting expanse of sandstone, dry leaf litter and tall, ghostly gums. 

Decided to check out a little Aussie film from 2010, ‘Primal’ (directed by Josh Reed). 

This film is good schlocky fun and doesn’t pretend otherwise. Sometimes its refreshing to watch films which know what they are and are completely fine with it- embrace the b movie within!

6 friend’s go into the Australian bush to camp out and study some newly discovered Aboriginal rock paintings from a thousand years ago. This plan is interrupted however when, after swimming in the nearby billabong, Mel becomes a cannibalistic animal who proceeds to attack the rest of the campers and seemingly give them as offerings to a mysterious cave

This film has everything I want in a fun horror film- loads of bright red blood, gorgeous scenery, and an amusing script. Mel’s ‘Cabin fever’ like transformation is gruesome and she makes a good monster but it’s funny to see her sharp- toothed, covered in blood but running around in pink pyjamas. The action in the movie is well paced with hardly any of it dragging on, it is a well-timed movie that uses its hour and a half effectively.

As said above it is a good script with fairly believable and normal Aussie vernacular. The c-bomb is dropped with in the first scene of the film and again used effectively in a final showdown. I appreciate its use as I’m quite partial to the word.  One scene in particular I liked was the showdown between the ‘alpha males’ of the group, which ends satisfyingly and amusingly as throughout the film the two and been annoyingly fighting for title of manliest man. I thought it was great way to note on how sexism and gender expectations don’t benefit anyone, even men.

All in all this movie was great, I had such a good time watching it that is was easy to excuse some badly delivered lines and a couple scenes of shitty CGI. This is a really entertaining movie and isn’t that the point?
As a fun Ozploitation Flick, I give ‘Primal’ a 6/10.

Excuse me while I sew my uterus shut (Shelley, 2016)

If horror movies have taught me anything it is this: NEVER GET PREGNANT.

As if the actual process of successfully giving birth wasn’t terrifying and disgusting enough, it has now become a trope so successful it is now its own sub-genre.

Whilst re-watching the Alien franchise again after absolutely loving the new Alien: Covenant; I’ve realised alien (1979, Directed by Ridley Scott) is the mother of all pregnancy movies (see what I did there?). Slimy, gooey, bloody, deadly, terrifying is the whole face-hugger/chest-burster scenario; sounds like childbirth to me. The entire movie is just this huge writhing experience of sex, birth and body horror;if you don’t agree then you just have to see what this guy's blood looks like.

In light of all this swimming around in my head, I felt it was time to watch something that has been on my watch list for a while now: the Danish pregnancy horror ‘Shelley’ (2016, Denmark, directed by Ali Abbasi).

Rich hipsters Louise and Kasper who cannot fall pregnant, convince their housemaid Elena to become their surrogate in return for enough money to get her own place for her and her son.  Soon however it becomes apparent that something is not quite right; is the baby sucking the life force from Elena or is the pressure of surrogacy just causing her to have a breakdown.





I have heard others describe this film as a ‘slow burn’ like it’s a bad thing. It is not a bad thing. Slow burns are great for providing much needed tension and character development. ‘Shelley’ is at the pretty normal time of hr and a half, which is easily sat through thanks to wonderful and unique performances from its main cast, and stunning setting and cinematography. As a viewer I both appreciated the surrounding lake and forest and the seemingly idyllic farm life, while also feeling the crushing weight of isolation and vulnerability our lead character, Elena goes through.

The film is spoken mostly English which is made believable by having Elena be from Romania and English being the only way to communicate. It is also interspersed with Romanian and Danish- this works well to further show Elena’s isolation as the scenes where she is smiling nervously while others speak Danish around her are so awkward it was setting off my anxiety. So, watch this film with subtitles.*

I enjoyed this film immensely, it look the time to develop characters I cared about which in the end paid off when the film comes to a climax and which has ruined knitting needles for me forever.
All in all ‘Shelley’ was an effective psychological horror which thoroughly creeped me the fuck out. For sure I’d give it a well-deserved 8/10.

**, if you are like me and having subtitles on while people are speaking English is the equivalent of nails down a chalk board except on the inside of your brain- I suggest a neat little blocking device you can take on and off when they switch languages. If, however you are a very normal person who isn’t triggered by something so mundane- please continue normally.

As if teenagers weren’t already scary enough (Beware the slenderman, 2016)

Move over Children of The Corn; modern day juvenile killers are exponentially more terrifying.

This week, I watched the horror documentary ‘Beware the Slenderman’ (2016, Directed by Irene Taylor Brodsky). I was a little unprepared for just how bleak and horrifying the story of Morgan Geyser and Anissa Weier was going to be.
In 2014, these two girls lured and stabbed another 12-year-old, afterwards claiming that they did it for your friendly neighbourhood Slenderman. The victim lived, which is the one happy note in this tragic turn of events.

Throughout the film, we learn through the girls’ families what these two girls were like as children and preteens- their age at the time of their crime was 12. These interviews are overwhelmingly sad as we watch parents struggle with the fact that their children are essentially cold blooded killers, but they also create a very tangible feeling of just hopelessness as they discuss the lack of empathy and remorse the girls, particularly Morgan, displayed in childhood. And that, while there is no one to blame, is shiver inducing. No spoiler warning needed here as from the get go the documentary explained to us the gruesome details.

scalpel-to-Achilles heel is no match for pure premeditated murder

While watching this- my mind did keep thinking back to another, though fictional, equally terrifying and hopeless film, the acclaimed ‘We Need to Talk about Kevin’ (2011, Directed by Lynne Ramsay) featuring gut wrenching performances by Tilda Swinton and John C riley. The movie is told through a series of flashbacks after a horrible event that destroys the community not to mention the family involved. From watching it is pretty easy to figure out this tragic event and the movie doesn’t hide it from you, still I won’t mention it. If you thought the little kid in ‘Pet Sematary’ was unsettling I suggest you reconsider what unsettling really is and watch ‘We Need to talk About Kevin.’

Watching these real parents of Morgan and Annisa struggle in ‘Beware The Slenderman’ reminded me of Tidla swinton’s character as she reflects how she raised her son and could only watch helplessly, sometimes frustratingly her son grow up with all the indicators of sociopath.

“But they are a child, no one can blame a child for the way they act, a child would never purposely commit heinous acts of abuse and homicide” we all cry out, and I myself lamented while watching   both these movies and yet, Kevin is a dangerous predator- and perhaps so are Morgan and Anissa (that is only for the courts to decide as they are being tried as adults this year).

Back to beware the slenderman, perhaps the most unsettling and sometimes horrifying are the police interviews of the girls right after they have committed their crime, once they were picked up walking away from the scene, with blood on their clothes still drying. Their cold and nearly robotic descriptions of how they lured, tormented and then stabbed their ‘friend’ and their descriptions of how together they had completely premeditated their actions simply makes your blood run cold as you try and comprehend their absolute lack of any remorse.

Anissa sheds a few tears which seem mainly out of the stress of being there and not coming to terms with what she’s done, she calmly explains how she didn’t want to look in her victim’s eyes so she demanded her to pretend to sleep, the first question she asks the officer is how far she walked, as if just wanting to know so she could see how fit she was. 

Morgan on the other hand does not shed a tear for the entire movie even when asking if she was going to prison “to rot and die?” She literally asks it offhandedly, like she doesn’t care either way. There are times she is blatantly lying to the officer interviewing her, calmly and rationally. It is creepy as hell.

Both the fictional Kevin and the real-life perpetrators of the Waukesha stabbings trial achieve what other killer kids on film cannot, and that is making me scared of children.

‘Beware the Slenderman’ let’s give it a solid 6/10

You know what I will throw in that I give ‘We Need to Talk About Kevin’ a 10/10 (but in a way that still means I don’t think I could handle watching it again.)